I love people, so let’s get that right out of the way. Therefore, I’m not anti-social:
it’s more like selectively non-social. What’s the difference? Well, let me describe my
previous life. I was married to a social butterfly. My wife liked company all the time.

Not that I wasn’t a good partner, it’s just that there was only one of me. She
preferred multiple contacts in every situation possible. We began going to church
shortly after my daughter was born. But we did more than simply attend: we got
‘involved.’ That meant, becoming members of various groups. The Bible-study
group, the newcomers group, the planning committee and so forth. Not only did we
go to Sunday service, we had additional meetings every week. This continued for
several years. During that time, she also got us into neighbor watch programs,
Bunko groups and work-related events. Every weekend meant a new commitment at
our house or someone else’s.

I had to adapt to this new lifestyle where our social-base grew exponentially at
an alarming rate. We barely had a free evening for time by ourselves. My wife
reveled in her friends and enjoyed the chance to talk and mingle. I was content to
follow her lead and joined in the fray. But it took its toll. Initially I didn’t mind the
whirlwind interactions and found many of our friends interesting and compatible.

But not everyone. I found I didn’t mesh with some of the church people. Oh, I
was accepted, but with whom I had nothing in common. This was true for a
proportion of some of our neighbors. They were polite and accommodating, but not
really interested in us as friends. Perhaps our social status or other issues muddied
the waters. In any regard, we weren’t quite up to their standards.

At various parties, we or they would host, I noticed that I would ask them a slew
of questions about their work or life without a single question about myself coming
in return. This occurred with an increasing frequency. Conversations were always
about their latest exploits or work. They talked about their travels. They talked
about their children. They talked about their hopes, dreams, and successes. If I even
attempted to interject something about myself, it was tolerated for mere moments
until they lost interest. Then it was back to their world.

I know that this goes on for everyone reading this article. It’s just that perhaps
it’s a best-kept secret no one likes to admit or discuss. I realized how much I began
to dread the endless social scene when we changed churches and got even more
involved, if it were possible. We were founding members and threw ourselves into
every aspect of that institution. We helped with fundraising, activities, the music, the
administration, the search for a new building, and the promotion. We were part of
many groups and our social endeavors widened even farther.

Now I practically had no individual life and was ruled by a calendar. If it was
Friday, it was the Jones. Saturday, the Smiths. Sunday was church, followed by a
church lunch. Then Bible study in the afternoon. Wednesday was Bunko night,
Thursday a birthday party, friend’s retirement or anniversary. Add in just plain
dinner parties every weekend and there you have it. I was not relishing the days that
were flashing by filled with a sea of faces, small talk, hor d’ouvres, and constant
chatter. I was burned out.

Then tragedy struck out of nowhere. My wife died and everything changed in an
instant.

It’s now years later, and I’m lucky enough to have found a new love and
remarried. I miss some of the old friends but none of the hectic pace. My first wife
loved the social gatherings and I thank her for the journey into that life. But now I
have a few select friends I really care about and that’s okay with me. The days of
endless socializing are done and I’ve moved on. I imagine there are other people
that can relate to my account and I have some words of wisdom. I went along with
my wife’s way of living because I loved her and it made her happy. That was my
mission as a good husband. But I could change anything, I would have made my
position known years ago and perhaps spared myself of many uncomfortable
situations.

So talk to your significant other if you are trapped in a social quagmire
and don’t be afraid to be honest. I promise, they’ll still be your friend. Therefore,
what’s fulfilling for one person, may not be the case for the other. Myth busted!

Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for
nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising
and has a Master’s Degree from Monmouth University. He had his own
advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design
firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, “Pursuit of the
Phoenix,” available at http://www.amazon.com. His latest book is, “Inside the Yellow
Pages.” Currently, he is the Marketing Director for http://www.thenurseschoice.com,
a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.

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